I just wanna play my Geetar...yessim.

So last night at Soul Session in AHH, I performed with my geetar Gaia for the first time in public, and of course decided to make up a song on the spot (cause ya'll know me). It was hekka crazy cause everyone was really quiet and still, just "being" I guess (or just trying to hear me...lol) and liked it- probably cause I didn't sound ridiculous. Usually I would be really nervous performing, but somehow this time if just felt like it was something I've wanted to do and should be doing for a long time, which felt amazing actually. I wish I had recorded it, but sometimes moments like that are just meant to be experienced.

Dreams lost in the Streets...

A history of mankind at its worst

was the lost of the

idolic salvation we had when we were children.

A dream not yet dead but on life----

Supported by a people

who know not what the injury is

but know that somewhere it hurts inside.

Asking mothers and fathers

"Why can't you fix me?"

Young girls with skirts torn and 

Bodies broken

as strange hands and stranger intentions

reach hungry for their legs and life silently scream

"Mother Fucker don't you Touch ME!"

But find that no voice can be heard from the streets...

Cause everyone locked their doors and shut their windows and closed their blinds

to the disbelief that is just beyond their beds.

Beds that were bought with the blood money

of three hundred years worth

of dreams left to die at the hands of sons who didn't know

the magic of their forefathers

and what they were doing until the compromise

of their lives hung by the lightest

of promises that held secrets of destruction----

and daughters who

gave birth to evolutions and revolutions

that were nations at a zenith

not yet envisioned.

What do you do when the cities and blocks hold the secret to 

the memories forgot and dreams unspoken???? 

Just listen baby....

So it's February...already?????

Holy Jesus- part of me just realized that it's February (I know...mad late right?). I say this realizing it's already the Middle of February. Wow...I sure feel like I was in a time capsule for a bit.

Anyways, yesterday was Valentine's Day, but I decided to make it a "Love Yourself" Day. I think Valentine's day is not just a tacky holiday, but hella heteronormative and that is a problem for me and anyone else who believes so. But as of late, I realized that on any other day, Valentine's would've made me feel everything from bitterness to jaded and cynical feelings. So when I woke up yesterday with nothing but good thoughts, I was extremely surprised. I woke up wanting to tell my friends that I appreciate them, my family that I love them, and myself that well...I am officially  here to stay forever and beyond. I know that sounds hella cheesy, but think about it. When was the last time that you said to yourself "I refuse to be unhappy with you" or "Damn you are getting it together"???? For me- a LONG time.  And since I came back from Gambia I've felt like this. So I am just really appreciating what the Universe is letting me feel right now. Cause this is the moment when good things are going to come.

Walking around with your head floating off....sexy non?

I got back to the US on Friday midday, and immediately afterwards drove out to Oberlin through a budding snowstorm with my advisor, where we ended up getting stuck in. Only being home for about 25 minutes altogether, I got back to Oberlin and have started classes with the feeling that I am still in transit (very different from a disconnected feeling I think...maybe). Emotionally, mentally, most definitely physically, but on a different note spiritually. I spent alot of my time in Gambia just being, traveling historic sites and I guess you could say that I sponged up everything I could. All throughout my trip I was thinking of my family, and how hard everything's, been, but more so because I wasn't there to assist anyone emotionally for the first time in as long as I could remember. And it was kind of nice...to be able to not feel like a buffer or middleman. I also spent alot of time trying to figure out what I want to do outside of Oberlin, and somehow my plans have changed to the point where I don't even know what I want anymore. Whether grad school is an option for me right now...or if I even want the "career" that I want.

I just feel like my brain is working slower and slower every time I come back to Oberlin. But also...I just feel like well- like my head is not sitting about my shoulders right now..