since i have had a sit down, and a let down. well...today i had both. (womp womp). i have been in transit for a total of 5 days, from crossing 1 ocean, 2 airports, 3 pit stops, 4 state borders, and 5 hours of pain and inconstancy in my life. apparently, that is on me. i have had 2 fights with 2 leos, and i am wondering what am i doing? am i really as problematic and such a let down as i've been told? i don't know if i am in the process of losing two important relationships, or if this is a message from the universe that if i keep saying that i am alone, then i WILL be alone. it's hard, cause i am always trying to look at myself as a person and how i can be a better person. apparently i am not doing it fast enough (though i am known to move like molasses). i can't wrap my head around that, nor my trip to Haiti.
ps...i went to Haiti. to visit my family and other things. it was more beautiful than i remembered, filled with hills and mountains that surround all of my grandparents house. the sunrise was at 5/5:30, but if you woke up early enough (and for some reason i always found that i did), the sky would turn red and pink like the color of ripening strawberries. it had been ten years since i last went, and i couldn't remember anyone outside of my immediate family, and of course, have cousins for days. how i don't know and i choose not to ask. hah. anyways...i spent alot of time thinking as usual, and i couldn't believe how at home i felt, like the US never feels for me. it was like walking out of a fresh shower after having been dirty all day and you just feel refreshed. that is how i felt. the night before we left, my sister and i talked about the random things that we would miss. like rhythmically slapping and waving away flies and mosquitoes, or the crazy driving, and the smell of Haiti.
i then headed to Chicago with my sister, and while it was a beautiful city, it was an interesting trip that soon enough just began my self examination. and in actuality, i just feel as though the more i look at myself, the more i unclear i become. i don't really know or have a solution for that. i wish i did though....
