have you ever had the feeling where....you've experienced something in the past, loved it, found that you couldn't do it/be it/have it anymore, only to find yourself facing that same experience again? it's not quite deja vu, but something else.
well....since having been back in the country for over a month, a lot of that feeling has been happening. i got back to oberlin and stayed put for a few days finally. and in between the traveling, the writing, the researching and the being tired, i finally invested something in myself for the first time in about three years. i finally bought myself the campus i have been wanting since who knows when. and it was interesting. i spent so much time debating myself about first why i wanted it. what photography just a hobby- or something else? then i debated about whether i should buy the damn thing because of the cost....(and let me tell you...it wasn't cheap). basically, i spent a whole lot of time giving myself another set of reasons why i shouldn't do something, or why i should let my self be happy, etc. i would keep finding photos i just happened to take every now and then and reminiscent not just about the moment i caught on film, but about the feeling i had when i took it. and i could remember how my mind saw the picture that i wanted to take, and how great it was to have it match the image the camera caught. so....i finally said 'f*ck it' and got the camera.
it's a canon powershot sx20 is dslr- one of those fancy types. what was so interesting is that the moment i had it in my hands, it felt like something that had been missing got put back. that couldn't even explain all of it. anyways, i had just been taking an obscene amount of pictures with it and my current house host as my muse. (at first he pretended not to like it...but he really does!). i'm not the best by any means, but i keep wondering if this is a sign that i should be doing more with photography. my dad was a photographer and loved taking pictures as much as i do. in fact, he was the one who got me into photography in the first place. our whole house is filled with photos of everyone and everything we know. between me and my dad, we were just taking photos, from him taking small gigs to me going on a scholarship program to France to take classes. but suddenly one day he stopped taking photos. and i found i did the same. why? why did we both just stop? were we scared about what we would capture? that we would forever live out lives on the periphery- through the lens instead of living in it? or is more basic- both of us knew that this was something we couldn't survive on????
so having a camera of my own again i'm torn between never wanting it out of my hands and never touching it. unbelievable right? i never said that my logic was good. anyways, i hope you like some of the photos. it's a mix between three years- the color images from when i went to l.a and the rest from these past couple of days and around oberlin.
random: the past few weeks i've been making nothing but pies. blueberry, triple berry, strawberry, sweet potato, etc. right????
