Always be Prepared for the worst...cause You will then get a lovely surprise when it is better than expected...

SO...today was the first day of classes. And I am exploding with the realization that there are some classes that I really have always wanted to take but never did because it wasn't part of my majors (African American Studies and English). For instance- Latina/os in Film and Media. A Comparative American Studies based course that discussed the representation of Latinas/os in the media and questions of identity, creativity, etc and works by other people of color are included. Exciting non?

But having written this first portion in an early mindset, I now had the self realization of something I do in particular as a defensive mechanism. In a potentially bad scenario, I always anticipate the worst to happen . That way...when the scenario does in fact unfold, I am always gently surprised that it turned out better than what I imagained. I say this having repeated the same cycle over and over again when it comes to life, friends, and etc. and I start to wonder 'now I know it isn't you...it's me this time'. Self reflections are always good...even in moments of existental "crisis". But sometimes...just sometimes...those moments of self reflections can in fact leave you at the strangest level of self consciousness.

And so the big wheels keep on turning or...too many very-ables.

Holy Crap Batman!!!

WARNING: Due to the copious information about to be devulged in the next few paragraphs, each with be short and simple with only a hint of the recommended martini humor...

Back in the Country

I got back into the country and into my home in Jersey at about 1:30am on the 16th. Brazil was phenomenal. I mean this in the sense that I experienced so much about myself and my reasoning. Sure enough, my knees held out for me till the last night in the roda when it locked itself, which was fine...until all of the walking I've had to do since. Good grief. It will always be strange to be a tourist in a country where you see so many people who look like you. Brown people struggle everywhere, and it was hard still seeing how my privilege, of having money, of being able to have someone help me with the language barriers (which my fifth grade Spanish did a pretty good job at maintain some sort of understanding), and everything else. I really wish I had more time to write about the trip itself- so one day when I get a good two hours I will write another post on my trip and the ways I've changed since then.

Back in Oberlin

So Monday was the start of my RA training, which was ridiculous. There were so many people and of course, so much ignorance. Every day started at 9am and ended around 8pm. Most of the times it ended later. But even with the possibilities of drunken people, fires, and whatnot, I'm still excited to be an RA. Especially in a Program House that is specifically geared to community growth.

Overall though I am freaking exhausted (and my knees are starting to act up). And so I am getting very irritated very fast by very small things. I hate getting snippy like this but sometimes I feel like I don't have a choice- like no other response is warranted or accurate. And trust me when I say that it gets worse when I am in close proximity with someone...and can't really be honest, and have to share me space for too long. Is it wrong that I just value my space? In any case...I feel like I've been mentally run over by a Mack truck on the way to Omaha. Why Omaha??? Cause I'm that tired.

Nervosa mas Entusiasmada (Nervous but Excited)

Bon Noite!!! (Good Evening!!!)

I'm boning up on my Portugues for my trip and I say...I hope my fifth grade Spanish kicks in really soon. I guess my adventures really start tomorrow/today and all. My knees are acting funny as what...God bless Icy Hot.

Part of me wants to vocalize a fear I'm developing and another part wants to squash it like a bug. I guess if I didn't recognize that fear, it could all go wrong. So I'm just hoping for the best at this point.

Many faces of Dee

So my flight back home from Oberlin was ridiculous. My flight was delayed five flippin' times and I was in a mood. Cause all these white folks really wanted to talk about the reason for Newark aiport "shutting" down was cause of a terrorist attack. I'll be damned if a someone wants to say that...I'm a Jersey bred crazy mofo...and that language is not tolerated. Not only did this big old dude swip my seat so I sat middle (which I can kind of understand....he was a mammoth of sorts), but he kept almost elbowing me in the face. And I say...men as a species are very jumpy...

But as I was flying over Penn., I started to get this unwinding feeling. And not just like when you are on a plane and feel queasy. It was like I was leaving a very valuable, very solid (if there is ever such a thing) part of myself in Oberlin. And I feel that way every time I come home. Like I just revert back into a version of myself that just made everyone happy. Part of me knows that everyone feels this way when they go home, and that I may have even placed myself into a situation as an emotional buffer. I don't know...it's hard to explain really. I just know that the relationships I had at home are not the ones that have kept me sane the way the were suppose to growing up, and I feel like I'm 7, 13, and17 all over again. My sister said to me on the phone in the Cleveland John Hopkins airport that I have a way of letting people'e emotions and psyches run into mine, affecting me drastically. We never got to fully talk about it but it's true. Hence the whole hermit tendancies.

Anyway. It's about 4 days till I leave, and parts of me are very excited, and worried. I'm going to not dwell on it and just focus on relaxing and being home as much as I can for the time being.

Things I realized today:
I miss my guitar. Very much.
My relationships with certain people are....troublesome. But I really missed my sister and LP.
I love the movies Ferngully and The Fifth Element.
I missed my Serta bed and green room. A Whole lot...
Shark Week on Discovery Channel is AMAZING.

Life after research....

So what has this little research fellow done since the end of research???? Nada. And it felt great. Until I realized I had to pack up everything I own in this apartment right now and be ready to head back to Jersey. Where I only spend six days cause I am going to El Salvador, Bahia, Brazil. I'm so excited...but really nervous. One cause I don't know an ounce of Portuguese, and second that my knees are still really weak and lock in place so all of the Capoeria Angola training I'm getting will be really interesting.

Life as always...never slows down for anyone, because as soon as I get back on the 15th of August, I leave the 16th for Oberlin once again, for RA training. I tell you...the more I think about it the more Oberlin seems to suck my soul here. Sometimes in a good way...others...well....you know. I was talking to someone at lunch yesterday about how I couldn't believe that it's been two years since we started college, and how so much has changed-mainly yourself. It's amazing and scary at the same time when you remember what you thought you'd grow up to be or where you'd end up or turn out, then you wake up on day and you realize...you turned out differently. And that's okay.

Things I learn today:
Blueberry pie is always delicious-esp with ice cream
The Mummy is forever a good movie
Bad Syfy movies are fantastic to laugh at. you should get on that.
Facebook quizzes are addicting.
Packing sucks. Period.