I couldn't figure out the right words today....

I can't wash away this uncertainty

no matter how often I take a bath.

As I bathe in the waters of my

rapidly rippled thoughts that are

linked together by moments of

debilitation.

Because you see,

I can't help but see the reflection of myself

when I no longer have an excuse

to stop myself from looking.

Looking deep into the waters that hold the film

of all my past loves,

past pain, and past hopes that never made it past

the edges of my eyes.

Where I could finally stop transposing what could not happen

and what painfully did onto

the sponge that tries to wash away the grime of

prolonged solitude.

I'm scared.

You see I'm scared of drowning,

of drowning in the tolerance that waves off of you

that is the same reflection that I see in myself.

Past the coating of self doubt.

I can't seem to wash away the dreams that are laced

fragrantly onto my skin like dew drops on the leaves

after the rain.

As I try to catch but the few droplets in my cupped hands,

I try to believe in the fact that as you hold the spronge

onto my back and gently scrub away the crust

of inbalance, of misdirection

of lost faith

and haphazard emotions too absurd to pick apart,

I begin to slip forward with my palms

face down on the water

breaking threw a haze I once saw myself in.

Rain Rain go away...then again maybe not.

I was always that kid who loved the sound that rain made when it rumbled and bum-rushed to ground. Like I would stand in front of my window and wonder the largeness of the world. I always found that those were the best times to get to know yourself. Inside and out, cause that's what it's all about.

Uh....yup. Another one. Let's just call it a case of the traveling bug...

I am having so much fun writing. More then I have in a really REALLY long time. The past two days I've been traveling, so maybe I finally let myself work with the words that I have been trying to say. I'm currently in Kentucky...so let's see what happens. Please enjoy.

A Load of Dreams

So they say that the souls
of all those that cried before me were written
underneath my eyes.
That I would have to
Look
beyond the scope of what I know
to finally find what I believe.
That...
the souls of those who were broken before me
never sought for more then justice- an appeal.
To carry out the words and the beat that
was everlasting in the hearts of their mothers and fathers
that bore them.
As they all bore me.
As they
whisper into my ears the cries of retribution and as they
gently kiss
my eyelids to make me see the
Denied
Unvalidated
Dismissed
Memories and Dreams
that envelop me as I try to shift through
my own.
Because now I can't figure out what was mine
and what were theirs.
But their blood flows through my veins
and my heart echos the pounds and patter of their woes.
My feet mirror the callouses that carried them to a place
unknown,
even though my
Paradise
is different.
My hands hold onto these dreams tight with the fierceness
that also gripped their
Chipped
Cracked
weapons that carved their own path.
And as the souls of those before me
Call me
Claim me
I must take up those
Dreams and memories that haunted them
and make them what may save me.

Who knew the motherf'in bus was so inspiring???

I wrote this poem coming back on the bus from a John Brown tour in Harper's Ferry WV to Oberlin. I was inspired by a lot of things....like all the sleep I got on the bus, people I know who do some slam poetry, and John Brown's resistant nature, and the dream I started to have of me performing this one day....

Fortitude

I clutch for your hands
the way angels of justice riding down from the
sky
wield their swords with Strength. Fortitude.
I cling to you as I
swallow and search for the magnanimity that will
surround me like the agency of
my mother's womb.
I yearn for your spirit that will
ride me off into the waves of
redemption
Though I know not how to swim.
I ache for you like you were the hailing sign to render me
with the knowledge that I
am woman enough to be.
To be my own sign.
That I am the compass that will go off and collide
with what shall not stand.
Nor continue.
My head reaching North up into the heavens
where I will feel the strength of the Queen reign
high and mighty.
My feet turned South into the ground where the
Blood
Sweat
Tears
Devotion
Mercy
Strength
Fear
Loyalty
Love
Beauty
Righteousness
Heartache
Belief
the Baggage
of my people whose buried footsteps I follow for survival.
In it.
My arms that rise to the East and the intensity
of the Sunfire that burns deep between my legs
and heart
to supply my totality and fury
that the dark side of the moon
with her sweet kiss
shall cool my blood as she sets in the West.
Because I am a child,
I am a child,
I am my mother,
I am my mother's child,
I am Mother Nature's child
with my hips like tree trunks I will
root my feet deep within the Earth
and point myself to my destination
written into the lines of
my skin
and throughout the curled strands of my cropped hair.
Perhaps with the heat and fervor I clutched
clung
and yearned for you
I can walk steadfast
forward with
Grace
Wisdom
Fortified.

Please enjoy.

The Universe has a cruel sense of humor I tell ya.

This week....has been so painful.

I seriously have had the same headache for the past four days. Right behind my left eye and the back of my head. But also, just emotionally and mentally, I have just been wondering what the hell has been going on in my life. Knowing shit happens to me in threes, the Universe played a game of 'Third-time's-the-charm-to-make-her-lose-it'. I say....that...was fantastically rude.

So right now, I am listening to Marvin Gaye. Who surprisingly had much underrated wisdom. This is how I'm feeling. Lyrics, rhythm and everything. Speaking of...Because of the past week or so, I have gotten seriously reacquainted with Gaia (woohoo for comebacks!). Yeah...it has been one of those weeks.

Call me Super Trooper....Blinding as the Sun.

Today was a hard day. Yes in terms of work...but also in terms of life sh*t. I got caught up and my emotions ran away from me like they were running to beat the devil or something like that. I kept getting text messages from someone who said they cared about me as a friend, yet on the flip side wouldn't speak to me for weeks at a time...or until it was convenient for them. And to make matters worse, is that I explicitly asked them not to text or call me anymore...cause I'm not having that in my life anymore (I'm too good for that). But then they really asked me what they did wrong? It makes me wonder...

Is everyone that callous? Or do I just have 'sucker' written on my forehead?

My answer: I do not. And there probably are people who will forever be dipsh*ts.

Solution?: Kick the bitches ass. Just kidding!!!!! Seriously though...chuck'em out like old underwear. It's time for some serious support.

Uh...mental health day? Sure...why not.

So I guess I took a what one may call a mental health day, meaning I didn't go to my one class of the day. And by Jove it was magnificent. I did laundry and other mundane ass stuff that I have done in so long. Like clean my room. But I was surprised by how much I needed it. It was just hard to want to get up this morning...and the reason why? I sat down to think about it. It's cause I just wasn't really in the mood to deal with anyone. I mean I engaged with folks yes, well, cause I'm human just like you and have to in order to survive (in theory). But I didn't have to deal with anyone's shit but my own (except at 6:50 this morning cause my resident got locked out). And you will be surprised how much of the whole world seeps into your skin and hair and bones. Just weighing you down. So it felt good to just be by myself, and talk to my sister.

Now I can almost say I'm ready for tomorrow. Hopefully...

An homage to Fall? A poem

I feel like I'm walking around with this feeling.
Like I'm walking around with air pumped between my skin,
cause I can't remember what it feels like attached.
A gap where something moves inside it, but can't quite get out.
Feeling too much
I get lost in the sensation.
The tingle-
of trying to figure out where that feeling comes from.
Is it my heart? My head?
Does it come from my tummy or between my legs?
It's not hot
or cold,
making me shiver though is always the goal though.
See I've had this feeling,
this shift
a danger?
The door opening up wide to let some thing in.
A ghost?
Clarity?
I thought with it came a sense of relief,
Purpose.
Instead....I keep getting this fracture
of body, mind
To the point where I can't tell if it's because it is me
that is the door,
or the gap between my skin
this ghost thing
or the change itself.