It took a million miles to get here....so what the hurry to rush back???

So I've been home for about four days now (and am leaving today back to Oberlin), and had Thanksgiving with my family for the first time in maybe two years. It's amazing how a house can still feel so familiar above all else. I guess that the only thing that I really have to talk about is what I might be thankful for. On my facebook status I wrote about being thankful for drops of clarity that sometimes happen. But it makes me wonder if I've "grown up" enough to know when those happen? An honest reflection of myself makes me sometimes feel like I don't really know when or what to do. But that's okay. It's okay to fumble in the dark for a bit...trying to find the lightswitch. It's okay to not know your direction...so you have to sit down for a minute and think about life. I'm trying to get to that point of knowing/understanding that one has to take a minute if that makes any sense. But then again maybe...me knowing this about myself, that I am sometimes not comfortable with not knowing what to do is that moment of clarity. And that I shouldn't really have to try to be comfortable-maybe I should just be.

Here and Back again

So this past weekend I went out to NY with the Crew (D.Diaspora) for some heavyduty dance classes and Capoeria training with our mestre. On the drive back to Oberlin, I had been doing some thiniking about life and the happenings. Let me first say that ever time I come back from NY...I start to care for Oberlin a little bit. Something I'm working on but still. (I always feel different after trips like this when I'm back in the NY/NJ area) Amyways...I'd been thinking (always a bad sign) and I wonder if everyone including myself have the tendency to blur what they hear into what they want to. I've been noticing alot that I may be doing that...like I was giving a sign that said 'Hey...this is what was for reals said' and I just chose to close my eyes. After having been in the same situation more than once, I start to wonder if it's me that puts out the 'confused' sign. I'm not just talking about relationships, but I'm talking about what it really means to listen and connect with someone. Like when was the last time you for real listened to what someone was saying- and not counter it with something that happened to you? Or when was the last time you really just sat down and thought with yourself. Not about yourself but with yourself- as in you started to understand what 'you' in a situation do/did and you work it out for yourself. Like how can you better yourself and everything around you.

Tonight's the Night (gonna hit the scene???)

So tonight in Oberlin there will be the first (or at least I think) Poetry Slam[fest] with a whole lot of Spoken word and slammers from Cleveland and elsewhere on campus...

I think I may do it. And not that I need a reason, but here's why.

A lot of times I find it hard to articulate myself like this. Just writing. And performing. I've written poetry and songs for a long time...and now I'm starting to wonder if it's time to start performing. I mean yeah I might perform an impromptu song or two at Soul Session or something like that...but for some reason, this feels different. Maybe cause it's actually the first time that I would perform something that is written. Permanent. Already forever out in the universe that has some part of me in it/around it. With Soul Session it's like whatever I did I not only don't remember too well, but never seemed 'mine' to begin with because I never wrote it down. So with this being said...wish me luck. There are already some folks in the atmosphere that want to cut me off at the knees. So maybe this is a way of saying "f*ck you".

Stardust

With eyes wide open

the girl looks up into the midnight.

And as she searches for her family to help

illuminate the pastures of this destiny 

she was asked to forfill-

if only it was because it was etched line by line in her palm.

So as the lines that divide the heart, the head and the life

split catastrophically

Only to re collide like a supernova

She wonders if she should bask in the glory of the stardust

that rains down from the sky

As the particles stick to her skin like kisses

or like a new hope.

With eyes bigger than the stars 

she hopes to lose the clouded visions of public affirmation

When she knows it should start from the self.

The self.

Something she doesn't realize that would inspire her beyond the point 

of Recognition

but close to the point of Salvation.

So as her destiny that is etched in the palm of hands

gently grasp towards the sky

She loses herself in the oblivion of learning to understand herself

Line by line.

Despite what you heard....this...is No SAD DIVA....

So last night was the opening night of Dance Diaspora's (the West African dance group I work with) 'SAD DIVAS: Why I Sang da Song'z I Sang' dance show which I am apart of. It was pretty good! There are alot of things that could've been better...but there's only so much you can do the night of the show. I tried to get rest...but you know how Virgos get sometimes...just keep thinking and finally get overrun with thoughts and such. I'm trying really hard not to get caught up in crazy- courtesy of some beautiful people I know that keep me more grounded than I let on or realize. Few times in my life I get confused about the things that are happening, what the universe has given me (and sometimes snatched right back cause they thought I wasn't giving it due attention), and they just happen to understand my need to analyze EVERYTHING....(oh great baby Jesus in a manger.)

But anyways...I am currently listening to Sade's 'King of Sorrow'. I'm kinda intrigued that this was the song that started to play while I was writing this post. It was surprisingly uplifting despite it's initial message. 

     

Lyrics:

I'm crying everyone's tears
And there inside our private war
I died the night before
And all of these remnants of joy and disaster
What am I suppose to do
*
I want to cook you a soup that warms your soul
But nothing would change, nothing would change at all
It's just a day that brings it all about
Just another day and nothing's any good
*
The DJ's playing the same song
I have so much to do
I have to carry on
I wonder if this grief will ever let me go
I feel like I am the king of sorrow, yeah
The king of sorrow
*
I suppose I could just walk away
Will I disappoint my future if I stay
It's just a day that brings it all about
Just another day and nothing's any good
*
The DJ's playing the same song
I have so much to do
I have to carry on
I wonder will this grief ever be gone
Will it ever go
I'm the king of sorrow, yeah
The king of sorrow
*
I'm crying everyone's tears
I have already paid for all my future sins
There's nothing anyone
Can say to take this away
It's just another day and nothing's any good
*
I'm the king of sorrow, yeah
King of sorrow
I'm the king of sorrow, yeah
King of sorrow

Fall, Winter....and everything in between.

I have all of these bombarding feelings running around in my head. And I've been so busy trying to get everything in my life straightened out. Not like it's a mess or anything...but sometimes Oberlin has this way of making you forget about yourself and who you are and what you are really supposed to be doing. And I'm not even talking politically or academically. I mean in terms of just figuring out how to do you. We say it alot....but don't do it. Or maybe that's just me. But anyhow it's like with the change in the season, there is a change of pace. Like the world sped up or something. I can't tell if this is me missing home or not. Or me trying to look through the tree branches to the sky.