Finally!!! A moment to write. It's week two of classes, and I surprise myself by exactly how much I've grown up since I've been in Oberlin. With the potentially of being overrun with work, school, job(s) and recreating a more positive social life, I fondly remember how back in the day...I've would've pissed my pants and cried myself to sleep because I was so stressed. Now I just break out in a big old eczema patch lol. (gross I know...but you'll live.) I guess the rose colored glasses are off at this point. I now know that Oberlin at many...MANY times...is not what it is cracked up to be and that the institution will pull some shady sh*t on your ass faster than a dog on a bone, that I can't fix or change everything (or will even be good at everything), that some folks are really unwilling to cooperate and/or participate. I now know that there are some folks who in fact- don't care about real feelings, real politics, or real identities, but instead, are very much content with the idea of who they think others think they are, rather than who they truly are meant to be. (Sorry...I know that was a serious ass compound sentence- but it had to be done. It's how I think.)
I was talking to someone the other day about my time in Oberlin so far. That I chose to use this time and this space to get to know myself...as in the person who I am satisfied to be, and question it everyday. That while no single person is every clear about anything and everything, it is okay to have some sort of understanding of the kind of person you are, who you associate (and disassociate) with, the things you love, hate or rub you wrong. Why is it that there are some people who are really okay with pulling out the Rosy glasses? You know...the ones laced with privilege?!! It is amazing to me that everyone talks about college being this experience where you get to try all sorts of things. What about trying to be a better person- a better thinker, believer, listener?
As of late, I have been thinking so much more about politics. About how it seeps into everyday things. Like exactly who is given the brunt work of any kind, or who exactly gets to play pretend socially and emotionally? Not to sound jaded or what have you, but Oberlin for me had begun breeding this type of individual who is not really individual at all- but is rather the shell of someone who believes in the systems still set up that force you to contain, confuse and compound your identity, and everything that makes you. (I.e...being an R.A. who is very much into brown politics who lives with a lot of white folks is harder than anticipated...not that I shouldn'tve know.)
I started going back to church (as for those who know me this is a very big step...), which to my bewilderment, has actually been so soothing. I think it helps that it is non-denominational, and that I firmly believe body mind and soul that the Universe is a big brown woman, or a collective of brown women at a table. Cause the craziest of shit that has happened in my life so far could only be full of the irony and the bittersweetness brown women know. It is here that someone told me I should have my own t.v. show- if only for the really great inner monologues...
I got a comment on one of my last posts that Gaia hasn't made an appearance lately. I am proud to say that zhe is doing well...and that I spent about an hour and a half getting re-aquainted with zer...who was very unhappy about being so out of tune. I haven't written a song that quite works yet in a while...so I'm just gonna let my Auntie Universe drop a present for me when she thinks I'm ready for it. So in the meantime...I'll do my best to keep practicing.
Biggest fear so far: I don't want this year to end up like last- where I felt really bitter and withdrawn from and about everything. There is a fine line between bitterness, apathy, and contentment that I feel like I'm trying to walk. Let's hope the rope doesn't break this time and that my balance is better.
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