Tonight is my last night in the United States, as I leave for the Gambia tomorrow till the 5th of February. As of now I am just trying to put my thoughts in order, which I've noticed is taking more effort than it used too, and I wonder if I can afford that time to spend. I say this because we just keep getting bad news from family in Haiti but part of me is really struggling with how I feel, should I feel anything, or even if now is the time to think at all.
My sister and I have just been talking and this moment, with the earthquake and my family, we've both just been taking a good look at ourselves and each other, and how we really deal with things. The way we put it, she's more apt to keep her feelings to herself, and I keep my thoughts too myself (but one wonders if that's really one in the same. Maybe yes, maybe no). that being said, how we deal with support from our friends is different as well, and she was worried that I hold out and wait for people to screw me over who don't support me, haven't called (now or for a while) and I worry about her not giving people the chance and space to process and support her when they can (I mean in the sense that sometimes people have to deal with their sh*t before they can even be a good support to help you deal with your sh*t). Both of us may have realized that we look for people to support us the way we support each other, but we're sisters I explained, and that is a relationship all it's own, and it's hard to make someone or ask them to fit that.
I say this cause I was surprised by who decided to contact me and who didn't to see how I was. And I for the first time let my opinions out into the Universe. I don't know if I just felt paranoid about losing people or what, but it wasn't something I enjoyed doing, one because it's not 'my thing' and two...I just felt as though it maybe I was just forcing conflict? I tend to sit and observe what happens next in the friendships and relationships I have, and I don't know if I feel like I warped them.
But you will always be surprised by the people willing to surprise you.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
There must be a reason to everything...
As of late, hopefully you have heard the news about the 7.0 earthquake in Haiti. Basically at this in time I am feeling very disconnected...like my feelings and thoughts are floated outside my body. Lots of thoughts are going out right now, so this is really the most I can do. I'm trying to get some relief work out in Oberlin rolling, but seeing as I leave for Gambia in two days...it's hard.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Oy the Radio Waves....or...what exactly does "Having Feelings" mean???
Frequency: (noun) the rate of occurance; Physics- the number of periods or regularly occuring events of any given kind in unit of time, usually in one second.
I had a conversation while making breakfast Wednesday morning with my sister that I suppose jolted me to finding out what this definition of frequency means. We were talking about emotions, and she made a side handed comment about how sometimes I am was seems to be 'apathetic'....while in my opinion I am just being 'calm' and how calm for her means something entirely different (whether it was good or bad she didn't really say). Not that we got into a fight about it, but I guess an interesting dialogue about what and how some emotions register differently for different people. And that of course...got me thinking. What if we are all working under the assumption that we know and understand each other's emotions the "right way"? What if...our assumptions then lead to how and why there is so much miscommunication between everyone and everything. I myself made the comment talking to her that it is interesting how people run on different emotional 'frequencies' (hence the definition. I'm not that weird. Okay maybe a little bit). That being said...I guess it's interesting to wonder what emotions we think we put out to people, the universe, our dog, etc. when it can very easily with the addition of a gesture or the lack of one can change everything. Maybe I'm complicating the whole thing. After all emotions are hard to deal with anyways...
Which leads me to another conversation I had with her recently. We were talking about her 'romantic situation' and I was under the very ernest belief that if she knew this person had feelings for her, and this person knew of her own...that she or they should at least act soon. She on the other hand...seemed completely content with the way this were occuring now. And then of course we got into a fight about how she thought I was annoyed whenever she talked about this person she liked. And honestly I was. I was annoyed because finally she has a moment to make something happy happen for herself when all she can think about is her 'fascination' for why the person she likes well...likes her. So I finally fessed up and told why I was annoyed or might be anyway. I was reacting to the fact that I was scared for her...for her to miss her chance at something because for all we know...one day she could wake up and all of those feelings just simply- vanished. And having well...significant experience in that department I didn't want her to end up feeling the way I have and still kind of do. I guess you could say a little...reluctant? Ambivalent? Ambivalent about life and love and all that and what happens to you, so that when something good finally does, you don't know what to do with it.
But I shouldn't force her to react the way I do...and I should I guess let her be. Thing is...she keeps asking me for advice...and I don't know what to say without sounding disenchanted.
Feelings- whatever that means...is a very tricky business. Like finding the right tuning on the radio station.
I had a conversation while making breakfast Wednesday morning with my sister that I suppose jolted me to finding out what this definition of frequency means. We were talking about emotions, and she made a side handed comment about how sometimes I am was seems to be 'apathetic'....while in my opinion I am just being 'calm' and how calm for her means something entirely different (whether it was good or bad she didn't really say). Not that we got into a fight about it, but I guess an interesting dialogue about what and how some emotions register differently for different people. And that of course...got me thinking. What if we are all working under the assumption that we know and understand each other's emotions the "right way"? What if...our assumptions then lead to how and why there is so much miscommunication between everyone and everything. I myself made the comment talking to her that it is interesting how people run on different emotional 'frequencies' (hence the definition. I'm not that weird. Okay maybe a little bit). That being said...I guess it's interesting to wonder what emotions we think we put out to people, the universe, our dog, etc. when it can very easily with the addition of a gesture or the lack of one can change everything. Maybe I'm complicating the whole thing. After all emotions are hard to deal with anyways...
Which leads me to another conversation I had with her recently. We were talking about her 'romantic situation' and I was under the very ernest belief that if she knew this person had feelings for her, and this person knew of her own...that she or they should at least act soon. She on the other hand...seemed completely content with the way this were occuring now. And then of course we got into a fight about how she thought I was annoyed whenever she talked about this person she liked. And honestly I was. I was annoyed because finally she has a moment to make something happy happen for herself when all she can think about is her 'fascination' for why the person she likes well...likes her. So I finally fessed up and told why I was annoyed or might be anyway. I was reacting to the fact that I was scared for her...for her to miss her chance at something because for all we know...one day she could wake up and all of those feelings just simply- vanished. And having well...significant experience in that department I didn't want her to end up feeling the way I have and still kind of do. I guess you could say a little...reluctant? Ambivalent? Ambivalent about life and love and all that and what happens to you, so that when something good finally does, you don't know what to do with it.
But I shouldn't force her to react the way I do...and I should I guess let her be. Thing is...she keeps asking me for advice...and I don't know what to say without sounding disenchanted.
Feelings- whatever that means...is a very tricky business. Like finding the right tuning on the radio station.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Damn You ShopRite and the belief in Resolutions....
I was at ShopRite the night before New Year's eve....and had a revelation. This came on the account of two great people that I know, Liz and Alexis (who bless their souls deal with me when I don't know how to deal with myself -insert sigh-) who while both don't know it...said to me within the same day something I probably didn't want to but very much needed to hear. One asked me if I like my life being complicated....and the other was both happy and frustrated when I told her that I am a product of my own unwillingness to be happy. She threatened to mollywhop me next time she saw me.
It's a hard thing to realize when and how often you are afraid of letting yourself be happy. Or just be for that matter. getting so used to sticking my own foot in my mouth...or not even giving myself time to just be emotional. What makes us do it exactly? What keeps us from just letting go and allowing the world in? New Year's gives alot of people the chance to 'reinvent' or 'improve' themselves. But...what stopped you...us really...from doing it the year before?
Now I'm not one to really celebrate the New Year's....I mean my family has traditions but other than that it's not a very big 'thing' for me...cause I like to pride myself on believing that everyday of the year should be gifted to resolving yourself. Now...I'm not saying that I do it everyday...cause let's be honest...life gets in the way. But here are a few things I would like to see myself 'do' or 'reaquaint' myself with:
* First and foremost....I want to let myself be has happy as I can. Old habits are hard to break...and I don't to be used to it.
*I want to let myself make mistakes. I have a hard time saying that I made one or that I did. I guess it's a lesson of humility???
*I want to let myself get hysterical and say what I feel when it comes to well...everything. I understand that there are some things that need to be censored well...cause it's not really a good thing to be rude all the time...but I get I want to be comfortable with letting other people see me all 'worked up'.
* I want to get back into photography. I used to be really good at it...went on a summer scholarship program to France way back in high school for it and I miss it. I miss it more than I let myself believe. I wnat to make time for the thing or things that could I dunno...set me 'free' or ....just let me find grace in all the hidden places of where I go.
I don't want these to be resolutions...even though New Year's eve/day is over. Let's call them...affirmations. and they might seem profound to you...this is good enough for me thank you.
It's a hard thing to realize when and how often you are afraid of letting yourself be happy. Or just be for that matter. getting so used to sticking my own foot in my mouth...or not even giving myself time to just be emotional. What makes us do it exactly? What keeps us from just letting go and allowing the world in? New Year's gives alot of people the chance to 'reinvent' or 'improve' themselves. But...what stopped you...us really...from doing it the year before?
Now I'm not one to really celebrate the New Year's....I mean my family has traditions but other than that it's not a very big 'thing' for me...cause I like to pride myself on believing that everyday of the year should be gifted to resolving yourself. Now...I'm not saying that I do it everyday...cause let's be honest...life gets in the way. But here are a few things I would like to see myself 'do' or 'reaquaint' myself with:
* First and foremost....I want to let myself be has happy as I can. Old habits are hard to break...and I don't to be used to it.
*I want to let myself make mistakes. I have a hard time saying that I made one or that I did. I guess it's a lesson of humility???
*I want to let myself get hysterical and say what I feel when it comes to well...everything. I understand that there are some things that need to be censored well...cause it's not really a good thing to be rude all the time...but I get I want to be comfortable with letting other people see me all 'worked up'.
* I want to get back into photography. I used to be really good at it...went on a summer scholarship program to France way back in high school for it and I miss it. I miss it more than I let myself believe. I wnat to make time for the thing or things that could I dunno...set me 'free' or ....just let me find grace in all the hidden places of where I go.
I don't want these to be resolutions...even though New Year's eve/day is over. Let's call them...affirmations. and they might seem profound to you...this is good enough for me thank you.
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