I was at ShopRite the night before New Year's eve....and had a revelation. This came on the account of two great people that I know, Liz and Alexis (who bless their souls deal with me when I don't know how to deal with myself -insert sigh-) who while both don't know it...said to me within the same day something I probably didn't want to but very much needed to hear. One asked me if I like my life being complicated....and the other was both happy and frustrated when I told her that I am a product of my own unwillingness to be happy. She threatened to mollywhop me next time she saw me.
It's a hard thing to realize when and how often you are afraid of letting yourself be happy. Or just be for that matter. getting so used to sticking my own foot in my mouth...or not even giving myself time to just be emotional. What makes us do it exactly? What keeps us from just letting go and allowing the world in? New Year's gives alot of people the chance to 'reinvent' or 'improve' themselves. But...what stopped you...us really...from doing it the year before?
Now I'm not one to really celebrate the New Year's....I mean my family has traditions but other than that it's not a very big 'thing' for me...cause I like to pride myself on believing that everyday of the year should be gifted to resolving yourself. Now...I'm not saying that I do it everyday...cause let's be honest...life gets in the way. But here are a few things I would like to see myself 'do' or 'reaquaint' myself with:
* First and foremost....I want to let myself be has happy as I can. Old habits are hard to break...and I don't to be used to it.
*I want to let myself make mistakes. I have a hard time saying that I made one or that I did. I guess it's a lesson of humility???
*I want to let myself get hysterical and say what I feel when it comes to well...everything. I understand that there are some things that need to be censored well...cause it's not really a good thing to be rude all the time...but I get I want to be comfortable with letting other people see me all 'worked up'.
* I want to get back into photography. I used to be really good at it...went on a summer scholarship program to France way back in high school for it and I miss it. I miss it more than I let myself believe. I wnat to make time for the thing or things that could I dunno...set me 'free' or ....just let me find grace in all the hidden places of where I go.
I don't want these to be resolutions...even though New Year's eve/day is over. Let's call them...affirmations. and they might seem profound to you...this is good enough for me thank you.
aww I made it in a blog post. And no worries, I'll continue to deal with you regradless if you actually reaquaint yourself with these things or not.
ReplyDeleteawww and Thanks! I decided now was the time to start letting people know one I even have a blog and two that people mean something to me. I apparently don't do it enough (or say it) but I think it. Baby steps....
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