Tonight is my last night in the United States, as I leave for the Gambia tomorrow till the 5th of February. As of now I am just trying to put my thoughts in order, which I've noticed is taking more effort than it used too, and I wonder if I can afford that time to spend. I say this because we just keep getting bad news from family in Haiti but part of me is really struggling with how I feel, should I feel anything, or even if now is the time to think at all.
My sister and I have just been talking and this moment, with the earthquake and my family, we've both just been taking a good look at ourselves and each other, and how we really deal with things. The way we put it, she's more apt to keep her feelings to herself, and I keep my thoughts too myself (but one wonders if that's really one in the same. Maybe yes, maybe no). that being said, how we deal with support from our friends is different as well, and she was worried that I hold out and wait for people to screw me over who don't support me, haven't called (now or for a while) and I worry about her not giving people the chance and space to process and support her when they can (I mean in the sense that sometimes people have to deal with their sh*t before they can even be a good support to help you deal with your sh*t). Both of us may have realized that we look for people to support us the way we support each other, but we're sisters I explained, and that is a relationship all it's own, and it's hard to make someone or ask them to fit that.
I say this cause I was surprised by who decided to contact me and who didn't to see how I was. And I for the first time let my opinions out into the Universe. I don't know if I just felt paranoid about losing people or what, but it wasn't something I enjoyed doing, one because it's not 'my thing' and two...I just felt as though it maybe I was just forcing conflict? I tend to sit and observe what happens next in the friendships and relationships I have, and I don't know if I feel like I warped them.
But you will always be surprised by the people willing to surprise you.
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