Wave of Apathy crashing like Defensive Linemen...

It feels like a million years have passed by since...well...everything. I'm not quite sure what to say. Most times I feel like I am starting to collapse under this wave of doing everything and nothing. And the gemini rising in me is fighting every urge to take off and just say "I'm outtie". From the things that used to keep me grounded to the things that have made me lose my mind. I guess I've essentially come full circle to how I felt when I first got to Oberlin. Granted- I don't necessarily feel like the same person- but I most certainly feel as though I am back where I started- a little lost and apathetic. I guess it's partly because I am very much done with college, but at the same time, I just need to leave the space I'm in.

The only thing that seems to keep me excited is photography. But again- I'm fighting this urge to run from what I really want and love. Old habits are a bitch to kick. And it always seems at though I am bouncing from one thing to the next- photography, poetry, writing, etc. It's been months since I played on Gaia, and I dunno...I'm trying to find that string to pull me out of the rabbit hole and make me feel everything again.

On a much lighter note- I am trying to see when I have time to upload more photoshoots I've been doing. I've done about two more this month so things are definitely kicking...

Frames, games among other things

Holy goodness it has been a while since I blogged. So so much has happened since the semester started and it's unbelievable. I can say though that some of those things have been good progresses in life...others....well you know how it is. I've taken this whole 'leaving college saying what you mean and meaning what you say" business to heart and it's definitely had some interesting results. I've gotten to know myself, and others have gotten a better look at who that is...albeit a little late, but that's okay.

Yesterday I had a photo shoot for a friend of mine who asked me to take some head shots and other stage photos for this production that she is directing. Holy crap it was way too fun (though I have to admit that I was tired as f*ck afterwards...). It made me realize that I'm not bullsh*ting around when taking about photography, but also, it doesn't necessarily have to be a big deal. Either way, the shoot made me happy, my friend VERY happy, and that's all that counts. OH....and you know...getting paid also helps. :-P

I should preface that this shoot consisted of over 300 photos. This album doesn't have quite as many....

Turning 21 feels like I'm turning 52....

It's the end of the first week of classes, and after 25 degree evaluations, several meltdowns over the years, way too many late nights perpetrating work ethic, it finally hit me that I am not only a senior, but am about to turn the "glorious" 21 years old in a few days. Which to be honest...just feels like any other birthday. I think I'm just have that weird "I feel so old/why the f*ckpops am I still in this piece/why are you all such people children???" feeling, and I refuse to let it get the best of me.

I say this having done some serious thinking over the years, and realized that I don't want to leave college with any sort of baggage, anything left undone, unsaid, or unfelt, and especially leave college bitter about what I did and didn't do. Basically I refuse to leave college the way I left high school. Because personally, I don't think that's a wise decision- trying to enter the "real world" with all that unnecessary junk. And with that realization, I've been walking around feeling lighter and freeing then I have in a very long time. But it cause also be the fact that I don't give no sh*ts about what everyone else is doing. - insert shrug here- Either way, I don't mind the feeling at all.

Now granted, everyone is terrified to figure what the hell they are doing with themselves (myself completely included) after college. And at first, I was certainly one of those people who fretted. A LOT. (I'm not gonna front...I still secretly do. But definitely not as often...) But, I've done a lot of good work, and will continue to do good work, and just be positive about might be in store for me.

A Frame of Mind. of Eye.

have you ever had the feeling where....you've experienced something in the past, loved it, found that you couldn't do it/be it/have it anymore, only to find yourself facing that same experience again? it's not quite deja vu, but something else.

well....since having been back in the country for over a month, a lot of that feeling has been happening. i got back to oberlin and stayed put for a few days finally. and in between the traveling, the writing, the researching and the being tired, i finally invested something in myself for the first time in about three years. i finally bought myself the campus i have been wanting since who knows when. and it was interesting. i spent so much time debating myself about first why i wanted it. what photography just a hobby- or something else? then i debated about whether i should buy the damn thing because of the cost....(and let me tell you...it wasn't cheap). basically, i spent a whole lot of time giving myself another set of reasons why i shouldn't do something, or why i should let my self be happy, etc. i would keep finding photos i just happened to take every now and then and reminiscent not just about the moment i caught on film, but about the feeling i had when i took it. and i could remember how my mind saw the picture that i wanted to take, and how great it was to have it match the image the camera caught. so....i finally said 'f*ck it' and got the camera.

it's a canon powershot sx20 is dslr- one of those fancy types. what was so interesting is that the moment i had it in my hands, it felt like something that had been missing got put back. that couldn't even explain all of it. anyways, i had just been taking an obscene amount of pictures with it and my current house host as my muse. (at first he pretended not to like it...but he really does!). i'm not the best by any means, but i keep wondering if this is a sign that i should be doing more with photography. my dad was a photographer and loved taking pictures as much as i do. in fact, he was the one who got me into photography in the first place. our whole house is filled with photos of everyone and everything we know. between me and my dad, we were just taking photos, from him taking small gigs to me going on a scholarship program to France to take classes. but suddenly one day he stopped taking photos. and i found i did the same. why? why did we both just stop? were we scared about what we would capture? that we would forever live out lives on the periphery- through the lens instead of living in it? or is more basic- both of us knew that this was something we couldn't survive on????

so having a camera of my own again i'm torn between never wanting it out of my hands and never touching it. unbelievable right? i never said that my logic was good. anyways, i hope you like some of the photos. it's a mix between three years- the color images from when i went to l.a and the rest from these past couple of days and around oberlin.

random: the past few weeks i've been making nothing but pies. blueberry, triple berry, strawberry, sweet potato, etc. right????

Sun Up and Sun Downs

since i have had a sit down, and a let down. well...today i had both. (womp womp).  i have been in transit for a total of 5 days, from crossing 1 ocean, 2 airports, 3 pit stops, 4 state borders, and 5 hours of pain and inconstancy in my life. apparently, that is on me. i have had 2 fights with 2 leos, and i am wondering what am i doing? am i really as problematic and such a let down as i've been told? i don't know if i am in the process of losing two important relationships, or if this is a message from the universe that if i keep saying that i am alone, then i WILL be alone. it's hard, cause i am always trying to look at myself as a person and how i can be a better person. apparently i am not doing it fast enough (though i am known to move like molasses). i can't wrap my head around that, nor my trip to Haiti.

ps...i went to Haiti. to visit my family and other things. it was more beautiful than i remembered, filled with hills and mountains that surround all of my grandparents house. the sunrise was at 5/5:30, but if you woke up early enough (and for some reason i always found that i did), the sky would turn red and pink like the color of ripening strawberries. it had been ten years since i last went, and i couldn't remember anyone outside of my immediate family, and of course, have cousins for days. how i don't know and i choose not to ask. hah. anyways...i spent alot of time thinking as usual, and i couldn't believe how at home i felt, like the US never feels for me. it was like walking out of a fresh shower after having been dirty all day and you just feel refreshed. that is how i felt. the night before we left, my sister and i talked about the random things that we would miss. like rhythmically slapping and waving away flies and mosquitoes, or the crazy driving, and the smell of Haiti.

i then headed to Chicago with my sister, and while it was a beautiful city, it was an interesting trip that soon enough just began my self examination. and in actuality, i just feel as though the more i look at myself, the more i unclear i become. i don't really know or have a solution for that. i wish i did though....

needles, tea and other things

so i spent the majority of today knitting in bed watching episodes of Psych. if you've never watched the show on usa network, go do so. and then you can see why i love it. (i once had an "argument" with my sister about who was shawn and who was gus and well..just watch the show.) it has been a bit weird to just "veg out", but considering the past year's events, i think i can do with some down time. granted i can't take too much...you know with that student research and all.

over some much need tea my sister and i had a long conversation about everything last night. from trips we've both taken with diaspora and our strange love and hate for wanting to go back to Bahia, crazy stories, our fears, capoeria. and other things, like me fear of my body finally decided to fail on me with incredible back, hip and knee pain among other joints. i forget that she and i are a lot alike in the way we deal with some things, and how polar we really are. but what was so great about the conversation is that we actually took the time to have it. it was impromptu and natural, and wasn't out of a need to talk about each other's faults. to be honest, it was jut one of those things that made you realize why you were suppose to be siblings in the first place. just because....

waking up in the wrong city

so it's been about a month since my last post.  i've been home for about two and a half weeks, and still feel like i haven't quite settled. i guess the word for it is in transit. i guess that may also explain why writing hasn't quite appealed to me in the last couple of weeks. for me, and hopefully others, writing has been a way of solidifying what is. what there is to say, to feel, to experience, or prevent. and so, as backwards as it is, i haven't wanted to solidify anything. or force myself to relive things but to remember them instead. it keeps hitting me that i am about to start my senior year...which is frightening but exciting. i'm ready to leave oberlin and it's chaos behind and finally just do for me. which shouldn't be conflated to me not wanted to do for a community, it is just that there are things that i feel need to be done for me in a manner best well, for me.

so quick catch up on what has been happening so far:
- i am still doing summer research, though this time i am reading caribbean fiction/fantasy writers. sounds fun right? it is...except i can't compel myself to work which is awful.
- i have been practicing on gaia recently and i missed it. i also have been doing more recording of stuff i do.

Tougher lessons for a tougher self.

It has been about two months since the last post. And I must say, 'my there has been so much'. After my friend's senior show...I've been having the strangest experiences and changes to what I believe, how I do so, what I think and know, how all of that shows, and how I come to love. I spent alot of time trying to enact what I say: "Educate the mind to educate the self. Because if the self is not taught then the self is not learned. And one can't live without knowing the self."

That being said....My life has always been interesting. To say the least. What has really struck me was the sudden appearance of this guy who means alot more to me than what I tell myself before
I go to sleep at night. I met him in transit physically, and since then we've been..."dating" I guess. (It's very Oberlin- trust). But that classification aside- I spent much of this semester not only getting to know him, but knowing myself. And through whatever-it-is-that-we-are, I started to literally open up my emotions. I tend not to let people see me cry, or get emotional for that matter, and he has somehow made me want to want to be vulnerable. Especially with him.

But my Universe is one that loves to throw serious twists. While I finally met someone who allows me to be emotional with myself, they also decide to make him the person that has to leave. Leaving Oberlin-period, he is trying to find something that he's looking for. Using his intelligence to cover something he won't show me, I am left wondering what to do. He wants to learn about himself, his activism, his whole being, and to teach and learn with others outside the institution. So how can I be upset about someone wanted to grow and educate themselves, when I myself keep talking about how much and in what ways I have been/need to keep growing? I just feel like deep down, that the way he is trying to grow is not how it is supposed to happen for him. So we avoid the subject. And when he brings up the topic, I can't help but get quiet. How do you learn to let go of something that was made for you? How do you learn to cope with knowing that you will never see them again? I guess...this is the Universe's  way of teaching me that sometimes what I have, I can't keep. And what I do and did have, cherishh. But even so...it's still hard.

Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200.00.

It's been a long time since I've blogged. Mostly because I was part of a really good friend of mine's Senior Dance show that went up this past weekend and barely had to to think about thinking really. But that doesn't mean that life doesn't continue to happen- cause it sure does. I will though that I have had the most interesting couple of weeks. Some people have surprised their way into my head and my heart....but I'm suck a stickler for old habits. But I said once that this was the year for growth...so grow I will try. I have a tendency to shut down my emotions when things just don't turn out for the best. But this time...I have surprised myself a little bit.

The thing I have noticed about Oberlin is that there is a tendency to over think, and over jump EVERYTHING. Whatever happened to taking something slow? Better yet, whatever happened to not being awkward and "jumping to the gun" so to speak? When it comes to relationships- why are we so quick to 1) fix it and 2) skip necessary steps? I mean relationships of all types, not just romantic. Honestly, I have just been witnessing too much confusion in so many individuals. Rushing into friendships, beds, relationships without first getting to know yourself. Is there something about our generation that compels us to just "pass go and collect $200.00?" In this age of technology, it's amazing how much we are seeming to lose all of the inherent, communicative, and interpersonal engagements sometimes. (I understand the irony of writing this in a blog where no one can see my face). It becomes interesting what one takes for granted when it comes to how relationships start and develop. This isn't to say that I know even a little bit about anything. But I think there is something to be said about understanding what you need to do first before you engage with someone else on any level. Me time before We time.

A Penny for Your Thoughts...

I was busying tables at my second job today, and overheard a coworker reading out loud a woman who stole $22,000.00 from a local school. And this got me thinking. What is the thought process that makes you decided that you are doing to steal. Steal a mans lover? Steal a man's life? Sense of worth? Steal the sense of completeness? What makes you do it?

I just wanna play my Geetar...yessim.

So last night at Soul Session in AHH, I performed with my geetar Gaia for the first time in public, and of course decided to make up a song on the spot (cause ya'll know me). It was hekka crazy cause everyone was really quiet and still, just "being" I guess (or just trying to hear me...lol) and liked it- probably cause I didn't sound ridiculous. Usually I would be really nervous performing, but somehow this time if just felt like it was something I've wanted to do and should be doing for a long time, which felt amazing actually. I wish I had recorded it, but sometimes moments like that are just meant to be experienced.

Dreams lost in the Streets...

A history of mankind at its worst

was the lost of the

idolic salvation we had when we were children.

A dream not yet dead but on life----

Supported by a people

who know not what the injury is

but know that somewhere it hurts inside.

Asking mothers and fathers

"Why can't you fix me?"

Young girls with skirts torn and 

Bodies broken

as strange hands and stranger intentions

reach hungry for their legs and life silently scream

"Mother Fucker don't you Touch ME!"

But find that no voice can be heard from the streets...

Cause everyone locked their doors and shut their windows and closed their blinds

to the disbelief that is just beyond their beds.

Beds that were bought with the blood money

of three hundred years worth

of dreams left to die at the hands of sons who didn't know

the magic of their forefathers

and what they were doing until the compromise

of their lives hung by the lightest

of promises that held secrets of destruction----

and daughters who

gave birth to evolutions and revolutions

that were nations at a zenith

not yet envisioned.

What do you do when the cities and blocks hold the secret to 

the memories forgot and dreams unspoken???? 

Just listen baby....

So it's February...already?????

Holy Jesus- part of me just realized that it's February (I know...mad late right?). I say this realizing it's already the Middle of February. Wow...I sure feel like I was in a time capsule for a bit.

Anyways, yesterday was Valentine's Day, but I decided to make it a "Love Yourself" Day. I think Valentine's day is not just a tacky holiday, but hella heteronormative and that is a problem for me and anyone else who believes so. But as of late, I realized that on any other day, Valentine's would've made me feel everything from bitterness to jaded and cynical feelings. So when I woke up yesterday with nothing but good thoughts, I was extremely surprised. I woke up wanting to tell my friends that I appreciate them, my family that I love them, and myself that well...I am officially  here to stay forever and beyond. I know that sounds hella cheesy, but think about it. When was the last time that you said to yourself "I refuse to be unhappy with you" or "Damn you are getting it together"???? For me- a LONG time.  And since I came back from Gambia I've felt like this. So I am just really appreciating what the Universe is letting me feel right now. Cause this is the moment when good things are going to come.

Walking around with your head floating off....sexy non?

I got back to the US on Friday midday, and immediately afterwards drove out to Oberlin through a budding snowstorm with my advisor, where we ended up getting stuck in. Only being home for about 25 minutes altogether, I got back to Oberlin and have started classes with the feeling that I am still in transit (very different from a disconnected feeling I think...maybe). Emotionally, mentally, most definitely physically, but on a different note spiritually. I spent alot of my time in Gambia just being, traveling historic sites and I guess you could say that I sponged up everything I could. All throughout my trip I was thinking of my family, and how hard everything's, been, but more so because I wasn't there to assist anyone emotionally for the first time in as long as I could remember. And it was kind of nice...to be able to not feel like a buffer or middleman. I also spent alot of time trying to figure out what I want to do outside of Oberlin, and somehow my plans have changed to the point where I don't even know what I want anymore. Whether grad school is an option for me right now...or if I even want the "career" that I want.

I just feel like my brain is working slower and slower every time I come back to Oberlin. But also...I just feel like well- like my head is not sitting about my shoulders right now..

Here today, Gone Tomorrow, Lost but not for Forever

Tonight is my last night in the United States, as I leave for the Gambia tomorrow till the 5th of February. As of now I am just trying to put my thoughts in order, which I've noticed is taking more effort than it used too, and I wonder if I can afford that time to spend. I say this because we just keep getting bad news from family in Haiti but part of me is really struggling with how I feel, should I feel anything, or even if now is the time to think at all.

My sister and I have just been talking and this moment, with the earthquake and my family, we've both just been taking a good look at ourselves and each other, and how we really deal with things. The way we put it, she's more apt to keep her feelings to herself, and I keep my thoughts too myself (but one wonders if that's really one in the same. Maybe yes, maybe no). that being said, how we deal with support from our friends is different as well, and she was worried that I hold out and wait for people to screw me over who don't support me, haven't called (now or for a while) and I worry about her not giving people the chance and space to process and support her when they can (I mean in the sense that sometimes people have to deal with their sh*t before they can even be a good support to help you deal with your sh*t). Both of us may have realized that we look for people to support us the way we support each other, but we're sisters I explained, and that is a relationship all it's own, and it's hard to make someone or ask them to fit that.

I say this cause I was surprised by who decided to contact me and who didn't to see how I was. And I for the first time let my opinions out into the Universe. I don't know if I just felt paranoid about losing people or what, but it wasn't something I enjoyed doing, one because it's not 'my thing' and two...I just felt as though it maybe I was just forcing conflict? I tend to sit and observe what happens next in the friendships and relationships I have, and I don't know if I feel like I warped them.

But you will always be surprised by the people willing to surprise you.

There must be a reason to everything...

As of late, hopefully you have heard the news about the 7.0 earthquake in Haiti. Basically at this in time I am feeling very disconnected...like my feelings and thoughts are floated outside my body. Lots of thoughts are going out right now, so this is really the most I can do. I'm trying to get some relief work out in Oberlin rolling, but seeing as I leave for Gambia in two days...it's hard.

Oy the Radio Waves....or...what exactly does "Having Feelings" mean???

Frequency: (noun) the rate of occurance; Physics- the number of periods or regularly occuring events of any given kind in unit of time, usually in one second.

I had a conversation while making breakfast Wednesday morning with my sister that I suppose jolted me to finding out what this definition of frequency means. We were talking about emotions, and she made a side handed comment about how sometimes I am was seems to be 'apathetic'....while in my opinion I am just being 'calm' and how calm for her means something entirely different (whether it was good or bad she didn't really say). Not that we got into a fight about it, but I guess an interesting dialogue about what and how some emotions register differently for different people. And that of course...got me thinking. What if we are all working under the assumption that we know and understand each other's emotions the "right way"? What if...our assumptions then lead to how and why there is so much miscommunication between everyone and everything. I myself made the comment talking to her that it is interesting how people run on different emotional 'frequencies' (hence the definition. I'm not that weird. Okay maybe a little bit). That being said...I guess it's interesting to wonder what emotions we think we put out to people, the universe, our dog, etc. when it can very easily with the addition of a gesture or the lack of one can change everything. Maybe I'm complicating the whole thing. After all emotions are hard to deal with anyways...

Which leads me to another conversation I had with her recently. We were talking about her 'romantic situation' and I was under the very ernest belief that if she knew this person had feelings for her, and this person knew of her own...that she or they should at least act soon. She on the other hand...seemed completely content with the way this were occuring now. And then of course we got into a fight about how she thought I was annoyed whenever she talked about this person she liked. And honestly I was. I was annoyed because finally she has a moment to make something happy happen for herself when all she can think about is her 'fascination' for why the person she likes well...likes her. So I finally fessed up and told why I was annoyed or might be anyway. I was reacting to the fact that I was scared for her...for her to miss her chance at something because for all we know...one day she could wake up and all of those feelings just simply- vanished. And having well...significant experience in that department I didn't want her to end up feeling the way I have and still kind of do. I guess you could say a little...reluctant? Ambivalent? Ambivalent about life and love and all that and what happens to you, so that when something good finally does, you don't know what to do with it.

But I shouldn't force her to react the way I do...and I should I guess let her be. Thing is...she keeps asking me for advice...and I don't know what to say without sounding disenchanted.

Feelings- whatever that means...is a very tricky business. Like finding the right tuning on the radio station.

Damn You ShopRite and the belief in Resolutions....

I was at ShopRite the night before New Year's eve....and had a revelation. This came on the account of two great people that I know, Liz and Alexis (who bless their souls deal with me when I don't know how to deal with myself  -insert sigh-) who while both don't know it...said to me within the same day something I probably didn't want to but very much needed to hear. One asked me if I like my life being complicated....and the other was both happy and frustrated when I told her that I am a product of my own unwillingness to be happy. She threatened to mollywhop me next time she saw me.

It's a hard thing to realize when and how often you are afraid of letting yourself be happy. Or just be for that matter. getting so used to sticking my own foot in my mouth...or not even giving myself time to just be emotional. What makes us do it exactly? What keeps us from just letting go and allowing the world in? New Year's gives alot of people the chance to 'reinvent' or 'improve' themselves. But...what stopped you...us really...from doing it the year before?

Now I'm not one to really celebrate the New Year's....I mean my family has traditions but other than that it's not a very big 'thing' for me...cause I like to pride myself on believing that everyday of the year should be gifted to resolving yourself. Now...I'm not saying that I do it everyday...cause let's be honest...life gets in the way. But here are a few things I would like to see myself 'do' or 'reaquaint' myself with:

* First and foremost....I want to let myself be has happy as I can. Old habits are hard to break...and I don't to be used to it.
*I want to let myself make mistakes. I have a hard time saying that I made one or that I did. I guess it's a lesson of humility???
*I want to let myself get hysterical and say what I feel when it comes to well...everything. I understand that there are some things that need to be censored well...cause it's not really a good thing to be rude all the time...but I get I want to be comfortable with letting other people see me all 'worked up'.
* I want to get back into photography. I used to be really good at it...went on a summer scholarship program to France way back in high school for it and I miss it. I miss it more than I let myself believe. I wnat to make time for the thing or things that could I dunno...set me 'free' or ....just let me find grace in all the hidden places of where I go.

I don't want these to be resolutions...even though New Year's eve/day is over. Let's call them...affirmations. and they might seem profound to you...this is good enough for me thank you.